When the Screen Feels Like a Stranger
There's a Path Forward for Seniors in the Digital Age
By Phillip Moore, MS
I recently have been helping friends and folks in our community with digital needs.
You might be wondering why I said “need,” however in today's society with computers,
internet and now AI, it's important that our community knows how to navigate it to be
able to survive.
For example, I have a friend that I helped recently, and he had a list of things he
needed help with digitally. Some were small, and others a little more complex. He
needed help creating spreadsheets, syncing his devices so his information matched
across them, downloading a few apps he needed, clearing out his computer's cache
to free up space, and navigating an online visa application. One task turned into an
unexpected lesson for both of us — he tried to download an app, only to discover his
computer was too old to support it. None of these tasks were hard for me. But
watching him work through his list, I could see the toll it was taking — not just the
frustration, but something closer to quiet embarrassment, like he felt he should
already know this.
He's not alone. Researcher Yoram Eshet-Alkalai, of The Open University of Israel,
was among the first to describe digital literacy as a “survival skill” for the modern era
— arguing that navigating digital environments now requires the same kind of
practical competence we once reserved for reading and writing.¹ That framework was
developed abroad, but the reality it describes has landed squarely here in the
Coachella Valley and across the country, where banking, healthcare, government
services and even staying in touch with family increasingly assume everyone can log
in, click through and keep up.
When Help Comes From Someone You Trust
What I noticed with my friend is something researchers have actually studied and
given a name to. A 2023 study out of Hunter College's Brookdale Center for Healthy
Aging followed older adults in New York City who received devices, internet access
and technology training during the pandemic.² The researchers found that even when
free, professional tech support was readily available, most older adults still turned first
to family, friends and people they already trusted. Sociologists call these people
“warm experts” — someone technologically capable who sits inside a person's own
circle of trust, rather than behind a help-desk counter.³That distinction matters more than it might seem. The same study found that older adults with less tech experience consistently preferred learning from a warm expert
because it removed the stress and self-consciousness of admitting what they didn't
know to a stranger. It also found something else worth sitting with: connecting
someone to a device and a Wi-Fi signal doesn't automatically translate into
confidence or independence. Many participants mastered exactly what they were
shown, step by step, but didn't feel comfortable venturing beyond it on their own. Real
digital inclusion, the researchers concluded, isn't just about access — it's about
ongoing, personal support.
That's exactly the role I found myself in with my friend, and I suspect many of you
reading this have played that role too, whether it's helping a parent set up a video call,
walking a neighbor through an online prescription refill, or simply being the person
someone calls when the screen freezes and they don't know why.
Small Steps, Real Independence
Here's what I've learned works, drawing from both the research and my own
experience helping folks in our community:
• Start with what matters to them. Don't teach broadly — solve the specific
problem in front of you first, whether it's a spreadsheet, a visa form or a stuck
download.
• Break it into small, repeatable steps. Write it down if needed. Confidence
builds task by task, not all at once.
• Let them do the clicking. It's tempting to just take over the mouse. Resist it.
Muscle memory is part of how independence gets rebuilt.
• Check in again later. One session rarely sticks. A follow-up, even a quick one,
reinforces what was learned and catches new questions before they become new
frustrations.
• Normalize not knowing. Many older adults feel they should have figured this out
already. They haven't failed — the digital world simply changed faster than anyone
gave them time to adjust to, and sometimes, like my friend's outdated computer,
the tools themselves are working against them too.
As artificial intelligence continues to reshape how we search for information,
communicate and manage daily life, this gap will only widen for those who feel they're
already behind. But the antidote isn't complicated. It's patience, it's presence, and it's
someone willing to sit down next to a person and say, “Let's figure this out together.”That's what I did for my friend. His list is a little shorter now. And so, I hope, is his
worry.
Phillip Moore is a mental performance and wellness coach specializing in
evidence-based strategies including Self-Determination Theory. He is the founder of
Peak Performance and Wellness and can be reached at
phillip@peakperformancecv.com.
References
1) Eshet-Alkalai, Y. (2004). Digital literacy: A conceptual framework for survival skills
in the digital era. Journal of Educational Multimedia and Hypermedia, 13(1), 93–106.
2) Finkelstein, R., Wu, Y., & Brennan-Ing, M. (2023). Older adults' experiences with
using information and communication technology and tech support services in New
York City: Findings and recommendations for post-pandemic digital pedagogy for
older adults. Frontiers in Psychology, 14, 1129512.
https://doi.org/10.3389/fpsyg.2023.1129512
3) Bakardjieva, M. (2005). Internet society: The internet in everyday life. Sage
Publications.
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